a really bad day

I typed this March 18, 2010
I think I have started to lose my focus here. When I first got here I told myself repeatedly that I wasn’t going to be able to save the world, that I needed to measure my success with small things like children’s smiles or the fact that I can speak the language. But somewhere along the line I have got ahead of myself. It’s easy with international development to want to save the world, especially here in The Gambia there is so much work to be done, it’s easy to want to “save” the people. I have learned through my 17 months of service that no matter how hard I try, and try, and try and try and try... you can’t help someone that doesn’t want to be helped and you most certainly can’t save the world with lazy, corrupt people.
Without trying to blame my outward accomplishments (which at times doesn’t seem like much) on other people and the way they run their organizations. I have come to the realization that I can’t change anything here in The Gambia except myself, the way I see things and the way I approach problems and issues that arise in my life. I’m reminded of one of the books I used to read when I sold books door-to-door for Southwestern. It is called Success Through A Positive Mental Attitude by W. Clement Stone and Napoleon Hill. In the book it says, “We are masters of our fate because we are masters, first of our attitudes. Our attitudes shape our future.” This quote has made me remember that even though I want to blame others on the reason why I don’t have a plaque here in TG with my name on it, the outcome of everything I do here is up to me and my attitude. I have forgotten the whole reason for being here is not to change things or “help” people. Some of these people just really don’t want help… but being here has to do with loving and serving others.
So why am I getting all upset that after a year in this country I am finally realizing that some of the things I do here are useless. I sat my coworker/boss in my village (not affiliated with PC) down the other day and I asked him to give me more work because I was feeling like I had a lot of free time and that free time was making me feel crazy. He said to me, “Aminata, why are you complaining?” and I told him it was because I was an American, I liked to work and I wanted to work and make some sort of difference while I was here in The Gambia. He said to me, “Well, if you want to work so badly, just go back to America then.” First off, I couldn’t believe he had said that to me… second off I left his office, got back on my bike and rode home crying, thinking to myself “why don’t I just go back to America?” I could start paying off my student loans, I could see my family, I could get a job and do work that really counts, I could help my country and the people in it rather than these Gambians that don’t really want my help. I was just feeling really down. Then I had to remind myself that I am here to serve people. If they don’t really want my help, well then piss on them. But is that making a difference? No. My PMA book says that, “when our attitude toward ourselves is big and our attitude toward others is generous and merciful, we attract big and generous portions of success.” Of course I want to attract success. But do you think that I am focusing too much on making a difference?
Onto another story of how twisted my life here seems these days, I went to the tap yesterday to fetch my water. I was there waiting for maybe an hour before it was my turn to fetch my two buckets. Then another hour came and passed before it was my turn to fetch for a second time. My little sister was supposed to stand guard and take my turn as I carried the other two buckets that already had water in them home. My turn was coming up, so I assigned my little sister to fill up my mother’s buckets while I carried mine home before it got dark. When I came back from dropping off my buckets I asked my sister if she had fetched my mother’s buckets on my turn and she said no because one of the woman wouldn’t let her. That woman was fetching her water on my turn... so I went up to the tap, waited until she filled one of her buckets and then told her and it was my turn to fetch, I explained to her that my sister was supposed to take my place but she had failed. The lady told me too bad. So when her bucket was finished I put my bucket there, she proceeded to move my bucket and put her other bucket under the water, I took her bucket and put mine back. Then she started yelling, she pushed me and I pushed her back even harder… she fell to the ground. Then she got back up and started charging at me, then I started swinging... next thing I knew the women around the tap were holding us apart from each other I was screaming in English and she was cursing at me in Mandinka… I was pissed, the women at the taps are crazy about water, shortly after that I went home with my bucket full of water before the tap turned off because it was dark. Once I got into my house I started crying again… in America I would never have to fight over water, in fact I wouldn’t have to sit and wait for hours just to fill up a bucket. This place really sucks sometimes.
Ive been wearing my glasses a lot lately. The dust in The Gambia is really multiplying now that the dry season is in full speed. The weather here is hot, at night I roll around in my own pool of sweat for hours before I am able to fall asleep, its really miserable. My ma sent me a squirt bottle, that way when I am hot I can spray myself with water… its amazing. Its little things like cold weather at times that I miss in America. L Not to mention with all of this dust comes dirty skin and pimples, yuck! I was telling one of my German friends in village today that I was feeling a little down in the slumps these days and he said to me, “Jessi, it seems like you are experiencing culture shock.” I sat there laughing for a little bit thinking to myself, yeah right. I have been here for over a year now, how could I be experiencing culture shock… I just miss my family that’s all. But after a while I thought maybe he was right? Something is wrong with me… I am just not sure what it is.